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I am a new writer...trying to write a romance novel...here's some of it...give me some feedback!

The story line is about a woman and her friend that goes on vacation in Big Sky Country, Montana and she meets this man who is waiting on her table. She went to have a good time but instead she finds romance in someone of a different race. Here is beginning...tell me what you think...how can I make it better...just some feedback whether positive or negative. I am trying to grow as a writer...thanks!

Title: Love Under the Big Sky Country

The day Evelyn and I boarded the airplane I felt inside that something special was going to happen to both of us. We were going to Big Sky Country, Montana during the winter months for vacation and I was ready. Thinking to myself maybe I will meet a tall good looking cowboy with a wide brim hat and deep blue eyes. I was just imaging how rugged he would look with those rippling muscles under his flannel shirt and some nice pair of jeans that would fit his body to a “T”! And his body would say to me I am yours and you can have me anyway you like! I was so engulfed in my fantasy that I did not hear Evelyn talking to me about places she wanted to see while we were there. She had mention to me about going to Big Sky Montana Mall which was at the base of the Ski Resort where we were spending the week, I had never been skiing but I was willing to try something new at least once. I looked out the airplane window only to see blankets of snow on the ground like a fresh clean white sheet on a bed mattress. The vision of it was simply beautiful…it was as if someone had bleached the snow pure white! Our plane was about to land and I started thinking again about my handsome fantasy cowboy wondering if he really existed. Once we landed we caught a taxi to the resort and the male driver was very attractive, I saw he had some similarities of my fantasy cowboy but he did not have the deep blue eyes his was brown but they were beautiful. I thought to myself, if all the men here are as handsome and good looking as he is then I was really going to be seeing my share of eye candy. Those huge lollipops you get at the state fairs which are so delicious!

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Permalink Reply by Callie Leah on June 27, 2011 at 9:09pm

I think it sounds really good! You need to edit it a bit, there were a few grammar and punctuation issues in there, but other than that, I like it!

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Permalink Reply by Frances Thomas on June 27, 2011 at 11:29pm

Thank you Callie...I don't know much about editing...but I do have creativity when it comes to putting together a story....so once I am done...I will look for a good editor to clean it up and make it more presentable for to get it published. English was not my strong suit in high school...but I do know how to spell....lol...but thank you so much for your comment...it is much appreciate...maybe I can send you a copy to critique it if you are able. Thanks so much.

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Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on July 10, 2011 at 2:54pm

Some impressions.

For a romance novel too much 'telling' and not showing.

The scene needs to be set giving no doubt the reader has picked up a romance novel.

Perhaps the most romantic song played over and over again on a record-player as the packing of suitcases is done.

What about telephoning Evelyn to help introduce dialogue into the story.

Start the first chapter with action, something , anything.

Keep the back story for later.

Twice comes the mention of a guy(good looking cowboy). Once too many in the same paragraph.

Edit out being words to tighten up on the novel structure.

I was running might become I ran.

Check out the use of 'just'; even the best writers fall into the trap.

Check out the use of 'was',that, is, were.

Change the looks of the taxi driver but give him a good voice. It makes more interesting reading than meeting too many good looking guys at ever opportunity.

Break up your main paragraph into several self contained paragaphs. Include Action and dialogue in them as mentioned above.

Make sure you have a plot.

Write a synopsis.

Name the person telling the story. Don;t leave it to several pages on for that to happen.

Good luck and keep writing.

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Permalink Reply by Frances Thomas on July 10, 2011 at 8:54pm

Wow...thanks so much for your advice...I really appreciate that...and I will do everything you have shared. I have been reading a lot of romance novels to ge tthe feel of their writing...and everything you have shared I see in their books. So thanks Cleveland...I truly appreicate it.

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Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on July 10, 2011 at 11:20pm

Frances Thomas said:

Wow...thanks so much for your advice...I really appreciate that...and I will do everything you have shared. I have been reading a lot of romance novels to ge tthe feel of their writing...and everything you have shared I see in their books. So thanks Cleveland...I truly appreicate it.

You are welcome.I am on face book if you need more help. I'mfeatured on 'BLOGS' on this site for an interview.

Best wishes and good writing

Cleveland

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Permalink Reply by Frances Thomas on July 13, 2011 at 5:11am

Thank you so much Rege...this is really a blessing to have others help you when you are a beginner. I am going to do just what you suggested...and I really appreciate your feedback it is truly helpful. I am not good in grammar or sentence structure so I know I will need an editor who can come and really clean it up for me...or more like polish it real good. Once thanks for your help....