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Since hardly anyone read my other copy, I'll post it again but it has a bit more added to it, so if anyone reads this, please help me!


“Jen, I really don’t want you going out tonight,” my mom informed me once again. “You’ve heard about all those young girls being kidnapped.”
“Mom, I’m sixteen,” I exclaimed, looking in the hallway mirror, frustrated with the strand of my curly (and annoying) brown hair that wouldn’t stay down. “I’m not a kid anymore. I can take care of myself.”
I saw my mom come up behind me and felt a stab of guilt when I saw her worried expression in the mirror. Making my tone gentler, I turned around, hugged her and said, “I’ll be fine Mom. It’s just a little party at Mikeys house.”
She pulled away. “Who’s Mikey?” She had her eyebrow raised and her hands on her hips.
I grinned. “It’s just Sarah’s older brother. And where’s Dad? Isn’t it usually his job to worry about my relationship with boys?”
“He’s still at the shelter. He called to say he wouldn’t be home ‘till late. Something about rescuing a kitten from a drain.”
That’s one thing I admire about my father. He’s always helping animals, domestic or wild. He’s always working, even if he doesn’t have his uniform on. I’ve learned a lot about how to handle animals from him.
I heard a car horn outside. “That’s Violet.” Violet’s my best friend. We’ve been friends since fourth grade, when she got my stuffed wolf, Toby, back from a group of fifth grade boys who wouldn’t give me him back on the first day of school. I could trust Violet with anything.
I gave up on my hair and ran to the door. I slipped on my heels, yelled a final goodbye to my mom who had walked into the kitchen to answer the phone, and ran out the door.
When I got into Violet’s silver Honda Civic, I saw her beautiful, dark blue silk dress. I was strapless, and it fit her body perfectly. At her knees, where it ended, the edges had white ruffles. With her long, straight black hair and brown eyes, it was sure to make any guy drool over her, which is just what she liked.
I looked down at my faded blue jeans and black shirt with a giant red lily in the middle. Maybe I should go back and change.
But Violet was already driving away. “Hey Blue Eyes,” she said cheerfully. Violet gave me that nickname because of my “dazzling” blue eyes. She says that almost everyone she knows says something about how beautiful they are everyday. Yeah, right.
“Why aren’t you all dressed up? Look at you, wearing jeans and a T-shirt. I’m definitely not going to take you to the party like that. Let’s go back to my house and I’ll get you something decent to wear.”
“No, no. It’s ok. You’ll probably be the only one wearing anything like that anyway.” I pointed at her dress. She’d probably like to be the only one. There would be more people noticing her.
She laughed. “Wouldn’t that be funny? I’d feel so embarrassed.”
The rest of the ride went on with only the sound of the cars low rumbling that signaled it needed a tune up. When we finally arrived at Mikey’s, I was astonished. I had never been to this house before, and I had heard they were rich, but I’d never imagined that they lived in a mansion!
It was gigantic. It was twice the size of my house both vertical and horizontal. It had all sorts of trees and plants surrounding it, and when we drove up to the door, (which was, like ten feet tall) there was a young man in a red suit that looked to be about a year older then me. He had curly blond hair that hung over his eyes. But I could see those green eyes light up when he saw Violet emerge from the car.
She smiled at him as she handed him the keys to her car. He took them, mouth slightly open. He looked as if he were about to say something, but he just slowly shook his head and walked to the car.
Two more of the staff opened the door for us and another led us down the hall. There were (what I thought to be) ficus’s every five feet and pictures of the family hanging all over the walls. There were also about fifty paintings of meadows and forests and trees (what is with these people and plant life!).
When we reached the end of the hall, I could hear the music blasting behind the big metal doors. I opened the doors and thanked the staff girl and she bowed slightly and told us to have fun. I thanked her again, feeling awkward.
The actual party was apparently supposed to be in the (gigantic) living room since that’s where all the decorations were, but it had spread throughout the entire house. For what I could see, there were over a hundred people crammed in the living room alone. Spread throughout the house, there were about a hundred more, all dancing and having a good time.
What I had predicted had been wrong. Every single girl there was wearing something fashionable. Most were wearing short skirts with a low cut shirt, but some were wearing dresses somewhat similar to Violets. I glanced at her, and I could see a bit of disappointment in her eyes. I smiled. Your plan didn’t work out so well, Violet.
But then I remembered that I was the one who was different from everyone else. Oh well. I turned to Violet to tell her I was going to the snack table, but she was already making her way to a group of boys. I grinned. Typical Violet.
I reached the food table which was full of all types of treats, including cookies, brownies, cupcakes, candy, and all sorts of sodas (Yum!) and found my other friends, Sandy and Sarah, Mikeys sister.
I was cramming a chocolate chip cookie into my mouth when Violet walked over.
“Hey Sarah,” she said after saying hi to Sandy. “I went to the store to get some of that rootbeer that everyone loves so much but you never seem to get, and on the way back I saw the most absolutely GORGEOUS guy sitting outside that pizzeria down on Maine Street. And he was playing the guitar! How hot is that?!”
The way she said ‘hot’ made me think of how I pictured my perfect guy. I’ve had a dream multiple times of a guy with chocolate brown hair, a perfect muscular body, and the most amazing emerald green eyes. In the dream we were just sitting under a tree cuddling and kissing. Every time I think of it I get chills.
“Anyway,” Violet continued. “I hope you don’t mind but I invited him to the party. I couldn’t help myself. He’s just so cute!” She hugged herself, probably picturing him in her arms.
“No, of course I don’t mind.” Sarah said smiling. “In fact, I’d like to meet him. He sounds like a real hunk.” She giggled on the last word.
Violets smile widened. “That’s perfect! He’s right over this way.”
She pointed toward the group of boys she had been with earlier and started walking. Sandy and Sarah started walking with her but I was going to stay behind and take a seat in one of the big comfy couches on the other side of the room (all those sweets had really taken a toll on my stomach) but then I heard Violet say, “Jen, where are you going? Don’t be a party pooper! Come meet him!”
I sighed, turned around and started walking toward her. She smiled at me and I smiled back at her. She seemed very excited about something. Could she really like him this much when she just met him? Who knows? He could turn out to be a complete creep.
But as we walked up to meet him, he looked more like a Hollywood movie star than a sleazy New York streets kind of guy. He looked almost as great as my dream guy. Almost. I could see why Violet liked him so much. He had deep, brown eyes and shoulder length dirty blond hair. WHERE I LEFT OF!He was wearing torn up jeans and a stained white v-neck shirt, but neither took away from his beauty. Not that I felt any attraction to him.
“I’ll be right back.” Violet told us and walked off in the opposite direction. My eyes followed her and I was about to ask where she was going when I saw a black velvet case. It must be his guitar.
I realized then that no one was talking. I looked at Sandy and Sarah next to me and they were staring at him in a daze, amazed at his beauty.
Feeling awkward, I asked, “So, what’s your name?” The best way to start a conversation.
He smiled at me and I saw his incredibly white teeth. “Finally, someone talks. I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable. Anyway, my name’s Blake. Yours?”
“Jennifer. But call me Jen.” I looked toward Sandy and Sarah, who were still in shock. “And that’s Sandy and Sarah, since, obviously there not going to introduce themselves.”
He laughed at what seemed like an inside joke. “Yeah. Do they always act like this?”
“Not usually. Actually, I’m usually the quiet one while they do all the talking. I don’t know what’s up with them today.”
He grinned and I felt kind of scared. He looked devilish, like he had some sort of wicked plan. “I do.”
“Huh? What are you-” That’s when the lights went off.
The house was completely dark. Not a single light was on, not even the lights outside. I could hear some people gasp and beside me, I heard Sandy and Sarah snap out of their trance and shriek.
“Sandy? Sarah? What happened to-” That’s when I felt my head explode.
It didn’t literally explode of course, but I felt something smash against my skull and I fell to the ground. I was too stunned to scream or call for help. I just rubbed my head and tried to stop the bleeding. I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness.
In my last seconds, I heard a male voice say, “Aw. She broke my guitar. Man she has a hard head.”
Then a very familiar female voice that I couldn’t place laugh and say, “It’s ok, we have plenty more.”
I tried to sit up, but then, the strangest thing happened. I heard a voice inside my head say, “Lie down. Go to sleep. Just relax.” It was very hard to disobey, and soon I found everything going blurry, and then finally fading into pitch black.

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What kind of help are you asking for?
=S
And i really enjoyed reading it!
Please, keep me updated if there is a second part!
That's really, really, REALLY good! You have to send me the finished copy! I've been dying to know what happens ever since the first one you posted. Hurry up and finish it! I DYING to know what happens!
Julie, it's not that people don't want to read it. I wouldn't want you to be thinking that because we're a friendly community. We all have demands on our time and long extracts aren't always the best way to get feedback because members don't always have time to spare to read and assess them. Posting half that length and then the next part another time would be more likely to elicit more responses. So would responding to other requests for feedback. We do our best to help each other with the time we have. :) Posting something twice doesn't make anyone feel more like doing it.

You also need to say more about what you're after. What kind of help are you looking for? Grammatical, proofreading, characters, plot, or just general feedback? Tell us what you want please.
Actually I want any kind of help I can get.


Kay Elizabeth said:
Julie, it's not that people don't want to read it. I wouldn't want you to be thinking that because we're a friendly community. We all have demands on our time and long extracts aren't always the best way to get feedback because members don't always have time to spare to read and assess them. Posting half that length and then the next part another time would be more likely to elicit more responses. So would responding to other requests for feedback. We do our best to help each other with the time we have. :) Posting something twice doesn't make anyone feel more like doing it.

You also need to say more about what you're after. What kind of help are you looking for? Grammatical, proofreading, characters, plot, or just general feedback? Tell us what you want please.
any kind of help i can get. lolz


Rowen Mahogany said:
What kind of help are you asking for?
=S
And i really enjoyed reading it!
Please, keep me updated if there is a second part!
I only have time to review a little of your post and hope this is constructive. You write very well! Here's some suggested help for this paragraph Julie. :)

When I got into Violet’s silver Honda Civic, I saw her beautiful, dark blue silk dress. I was strapless, and it fit her body perfectly. At her knees, where it ended, the edges had white ruffles. With her long, straight black hair and brown eyes, it was sure to make any guy drool over her, which is just what she liked.

Fix the typo I highlighted with bold if you plan to keep that. Mix short and longer sentences. The middle one about the ruffles is clumsy and makes the dress description too fragmented. You can share the same information with just as much detail about the dress, the car and Violet's appearance and still break it up more. That's a large amount of information to squeeze into a single paragraph. Make it two.

Show, don't tell. If you don't know what "show, don't tell" means, you could read up on that. You're telling us that guys drooling is just what she liked. Show us instead.

Here's a very quick example. Take it, change it completely or any part of it you think you can use or don't use it at all. It's up to you. :) It can be improved upon too I'm sure because it was a very fast write for example purposes.

Glimpsing Violet's beautiful midnight blue silk dress through her Honda Civic's open door, I gasped. The white ruffled hemline skirted her knees, accentuating the perfect fit. The contrast to her black hair draping bare shoulders had her desired stunning effect. It drew the eye from Violet's shapely legs all the way up to her beautiful brown eyes. Violet had heard me gasp. She laughed, winking and blowing air kisses to an imaginary crowd beyond the silver car's headlights. "I know! I'll be tripping over their tongues tonight. Hurry up! You know I don't like to keep the boys waiting."

See there, Violet's reaction to the gasp shows she likes male attention. She wasn't modest or anything about how good she looked and was delighting in your reaction. You didn't need to tell us that she likes the boys looking at her. ;)
I forgot to split it into two until it was too late for me to edit it LOL. I should take my own advice! :) Okay, here's how I should have done it first time around.

Glimpsing Violet's beautiful midnight blue silk dress through her Honda Civic's open door, I gasped. The white ruffled hemline skirted her knees, accentuating the perfect fit. The contrast to her black hair draping bare shoulders had her desired stunning effect. It drew the eye from Violet's shapely legs all the way up to her beautiful brown eyes.

Violet had heard me gasp. She laughed, winking and blowing air kisses to an imaginary crowd beyond the silver car's headlights. "I know! I'll be tripping over their tongues tonight. Hurry up! You know I don't like to keep the boys waiting."

So endeth the lesson. Though I'm not promising it will be any use to you. :) Keep up the good work!
I liked what you have done here. It tells a story through a teenage girls eyes and comes across as such. I was a bit surprised at the sudden turn of events, and possibly believe you could lead up to that point a little more. For example dive into the guitar man more, some history about him could entice the reader to want more. all in all, I like it. Keep on writting.
this is really very good and im quite exited to know what is going to happen next
do write and let me know the end

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