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The Gate - Tell me what you think (Good or bad)!!

The Gate

by W.J. O'Neil

Golden arch, golden glow, light so blinding bright
Aged and faded wooden gate, timid, on the right
Trembling legs, nervousness, a wait behind the rest
Rich, famous, powerful, sights of all the best
Time paused in length, callings came, judgement of a man
Amid the door and wooden gate, thick book held by hand
Knowledge sought, lives heard full, speak of so much more
Measurement on every word, most bade through the door
Upon a time, a trembling stance, a place afront the man
Eyes aimed down, a kneeled respect, improper thought to stand
Puzzled looks, a ponderance, thick book still in hand
Words whispered soft, question came, "Who kneels afront this man?"
Crackled voice, simple life, not one to measure much
No wealth, no fame, no power, a soft and solemn touch
Words to speak, a sickened child, a heart, now strong to be
Came the one, an offered help, child now cures for free
More words to speak, an empty child, hunger sent away
Came the one, an offered help, child feeds the poor today
Words pronounced, time to stand, that which I should do
Thoughts aloud, bended knees, "I kneel respect to you"
Famed life, great wealth, true power, simple solemn look
Lives thought full, a measure small, To whom which owns this book
Themselves to speak, a life so blessed, to pass the golden door
Sadness speaks, life relived, a path not known before
Came you, the one, offered help, so rare a simple trait
To understand, measure full, to walk through Heaven's Gate.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on October 5, 2011 at 8:14am

The tense was bumpy. And the flow was not smooth. I don't think the first line fits. The piece is quite powerful but again the movement and the jotting threw me in and out of the poem. Perhaps take out (Heaven's) at the end. The poem identifies where you are going. A deep poem as this, is meant to make the reader think. Good work.

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on November 9, 2011 at 5:15pm

This poem has its merits but you have not shown it off to its best advantage.

Simply there are too many words. Often you've written the same thing or idea twice. Also a word that doesn't function gets in the way and makes the sentence unclear.

Saying all that a copy line edit might work wonders.

After that I'm sure the meaning will sharpen up and make the poem more important.

As an excercise take a casual look at the first line. There light is described as 'glow'

and also 'blinding bright.' Is that not a contrast in light intensity or a clash? That is the sort of instance you need to become aware of and edit according.

As it stands, without changing a single word, the poem carries with it a certain dated feel. Do you understand that a poem you've written might seem to others to have been penned years ago? Was that your intention ? Only you will know.

Best

Cleveland

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