My Mind Will Find Peace, Relax... Until The Next Time

Until The Next Time... For Now My Mind Will Relax, Find Peace

This evening I held Tommy's Arctic Express jacket close to my heart.  He used to be so proud of that jacket.  He got it when he first began driving a tractor trailer years ago.  It looked so nice on him.  Now.... I have it, I wear it when I begin missing him, or when I'm cold.

I am missing Tommy this evening.  I was thinking of his beautiful smile... when he turned one of those smiles on someone, they knew deep down that they'd been smiled at.  His smile could warm your heart... it was like when the sunshine came out on a cloudy day.

I was thinking of the times Tommy made me laugh.  The times when I also, made him laugh.  I loved it when I could say just the right thing, see his eyes widen at 'how good that was!', and see him bend over laughing.  He did the same thing to me.  We had alot of times that we laughed together... it was wonderful.

Tommy had a cowardly lion laugh that never failed to make me laugh.  He did it perfectly, and his expression and the sound of it... would make me laugh until I was weak!

Once Tommy disguised his voice, he really sounded like a Chinese man.  He called me up to tell me to come pick up my Chinese food that I had ordered.  I told him that I didn't order any Chinese food!  He began to demand me to come pick it up... now!  I hung the phone up, unknowing that Tommy was laughing his _____ off!  (That's what he said!).  He called back, got tickled and I recognized him... we both laughed so much!

This evening I've been thinking of Tommy.  I've been hearing in my mind things he said, things I've said... memories of him ... some haunting, some happy... alot sad.

Tommy came home off the road April 2010.... he suffered a nervous breakdown.  It had to do with an accident in May 2009... when a man's car broke down (no one is certain if the car was broke down, or what happened) on the Hernando De Soto Bridge that is between Tennessee, Arkansas. 

There are three lanes of fast moving traffic on that bridge.... there's no breakdown lane if one has car trouble.  The man stepped out of his car, Tommy couldn't avoid him no matter how he tried.... a young family was in the car in the next lane blocking him.  Tommy tried to 'squeeze' his way past the man....

The man was killed... by Tommy's truck.  No matter that it wasn't his fault, Tommy began to die alittle from that day on in May 2009... until his own death in May ...2010.  Tommy collapsed while on vacation at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina with two blockages to his heart.  Tommy's heart was broken ... he grieved over that man, he couldn't cope with the man dying like that... he couldn't bear knowing he'd killed a man no matter if he wasn't at fault.

Tonight I will be so glad to be under my bedcovers.  I will be so glad to feel the warmth, comfort they will offer me.  My body has a chill at the moment, I shiver now.  The combination of the air-conditioner and stress I am feeling is making me feel so cold.  Shortly ... I will go lay me to sleep.

I am missing Tommy.  I've been seeing, listening in my mind funny, happy memories of him.  Somehow, the painful memories had to come too... I began seeing, hearing him in my mind crying softly, telling me "mama, it hurts so bad".  My heart hurts so deeply... I can't forget his face, his eyes, his expressions...

I couldn't make it alright... you know how mamas do when they comfort their child.  I could only be there for him, let him know I loved him.  I could 'see' and 'feel' what that accident was doing to him... when it happened he called me.... as he spoke each word about what had happened ... I felt each as if I had been there, that it was as if it happened to me, too.  I'll never forget how strange it was to feel like that.  Somehow, I was 'feeling what my son felt' as if I too, was 'there'.  Strange...

Memories... try as hard as I could to think of only happy, funny things... the sad, bad memories have begun to overwhelm me.  I just want to go to bed now, to rest my mind.

Grief seems to 'stay right there'.  I can cover it up with thoughts, words, pretend I've coped so well with it until... it comes out on its own to overpower, overwhelm me.  When it does that, the pain reminds me... that it hasn't gone anywhere.

No matter that I know all is going to be alright, that I'm a positive person, no matter that I am so strong... I'm bound to feel grief... it's never going away.  The pain is never going away....

I sit here feeling such a chill... I am feeling as if I can go to bed now.  As I drift off to sleep feeling the warmth of my bedcovers... my mind will find peace, relax... until the next time.