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Yellow is my once white dress
dried are the roses
that I held in my hands
torn and tattered is my head dress
that trailed behind me
Boney and ghoulish my beautiful body has turned
from all the years I have waited for you
oh sweet unfulfilled love
I waited for you
the guest have gone
and the Father has blown out the candles
The wind blows through the broken saints
And my tears are now ashes
Oh how I've waited
and I still hope

Its an old poem from a couple years ago. The lines that are underlined is what I just added.
What do you all think?

Views: 25

Comment by scribbler on October 6, 2009 at 4:54am
That is hauntingly beautiful, Viviana. I think it works whether you use just the first section or both.

I have one suggestion if you're open to that. You used blow and blown close together. I would break that up. The first one "has blown out" I would change to "extinguished". (And the Father extinguished the candles).
Comment by Viviana Arteaga on October 6, 2009 at 5:00am
Hee hee I never noticed that! Thanks for that! I'll write it down.
Comment by Kay Elizabeth on October 7, 2009 at 6:52am
Viviana I think it's very good too. And as for not noticing that, you're not the only one that does that. I found a typo in a poem I'd written five years ago just recently. I must have read that poem a million times! We get so used to reading our own writing we miss things. :)

(P.S. I would make guest "guests").
Comment by Viviana Arteaga on October 7, 2009 at 7:29am
Ja ja Darn not another mistake!! Thanks for pointing it out for me.


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