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Ok, this is continued from my last blog post about Conner, this one is a bit longer but I hope you enjoy it! =] Again please give honest comments!

"If I can't find Reggy your getting me a new spider." Jeremy said. "Okay, but your taking it out of the cage." Conner said sternly. He watched as Jeremy's expression changed suddenly. "What?" asked Conner. "No need." replied Jeremy He leaned forward and snatched Reggy off of Conner's leg.

Conner sighed with relief as Jeremy put Reggy back in his cage. "Right then. I'm going to go down town where those robberies happened at those two houses." Jeremy nodded and waved to Conner. "Bye!" His friend called as he walked out the door of the bedroom. "See ya!" Conner called over his shoulder.

Once outside Conner jumped on his bike and kicked up the brake. He pumped his legs and rode to down town. Conner turned a corner and kept going. Finally the sleuth peddaled to a slower speed then stopped. He kicked the brake down and walked over to the yard where one of the robberies had happened.

He glanced through the window as he stepped into the yard. Conner walked briskly towards the side door where the robber broke in.

The door was snapped and cracked by the handle. The paint was chipped too. From what Conner saw the inside wasn't the neatest either. "Gee it looks like S.W.A.T. tried to break in." Conner mumbled to himself. There had been two robberies, this house got hit the worst. All the gold jewelry had been stolen, a wallet, and somehow they got away with a T.V.

Luckily when the Johansons were out Mr. Johanson had his wallet. Most of their money had been in the bank. But still! Getting away with Mrs. Johanson's wallet and everything else wasn't very well.

Conner poked around some more then turned back to the front yard. He was walking back to the door when a glint in the yard caught his eye. Conner bent down and realized it was a ring. It was gold with a ruby in the center.

He picked it up and was examening it when a gruff voice made him jump, and drop the ring. "Hey kid!" Conner looked up with a frown then straightened his expression when he realized it was Clyde. Clyde was the butcher and he wasn't the nicest.

Conner rose up but of course his 5 foot, 8 inches didn't match the butcher's hieght of 6 foot 8 inches. "What are you doing here? What, did you rob this place?" Clyde asked in his grizzly voice. "No! I was just... investigating and-" "Well leave that to the police!" Clyde snarled. "They didn't do a very good job..." Conner muttered quietly thinking of the ring. "Come on get out!" Clyde snapped. "Well I-" Conner began to protest but the butcher interupted again. "Now!!" He said. Clyde thrust an arm forward and conner flinched as he clamped it on Conner's upper arm. Clyde turned and lurched forward taking Conner with him whether he wanted to or not.

The young boy barley had his footing so now he was stumbling to keep up with Clyde as he dragged him from the yard. Once to his bike the butcher practically threw Conner at his bike. "Shoo." Clyde grumbled as he turned and lumbered off to his shop. "Yeah, you have a nice day too." Conner said while he flexed his arm.

Sorry for any spelling errors I tried to fix all of them I could spot. =] Sometimes when I type I'm not very neat.

Views: 30

Comment by Mark A. Santomieri on February 27, 2010 at 7:36pm
Hey, Nora.
I like what I've read so far. I do, however, have some style and formatting issues that I would like to adress and ultimately might be of assistance.
Firstly, please find yourself a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style--either at a book vendor or at a library. This is kind of on the order of the "proof-reader's bible".
Conventionally, all new dialog should start its own paragraph.
For example:
. . .Once to his bike, the butcher practically threw Conner at his bike. (A guestion naturally appears in this sentence as well: who's bike is who's?)
"Shoo," Clyde grumbled as he turned and lumbered off to his shop.
"Yeah, you have a nice day too," Conner said (flexing his arm would be better) while he flexed his arm.
If you read it out loud, it flows well. However, conventional printing has to make us think more carefully about how we set the pace.
Again, I like what you've written and look forward to more. Work out the kinks with a little help from a good manual of stylistic precedent and you will go far.

My Best,
M.

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