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good-choice-bad-choice-signThis was not going to be the topic of this week's post. I was going to discuss last weekend's writers' retreat I attended where I met some great people, made some new friends, and had a lot of fun, especially Sunday morning trying to avoid the rain.

However, what I learned Sunday afternoon on the drive home turned my world upside down. From Sunday through Thursday (yesterday) my emotions have been in a turmoil, my diet has gone to hell, and, up until yesterday afternoon, I managed to get about fifteen hours of sleep.

I know that my problems aren't the worst and I'm not trying to compare. I just want to discuss how big changes affect me.

I don't like change. I really don't. For instance I wore the same winter coat for years, even after the pockets started ripping and the zipper went bad. Finally, I decided to buy a new coat. I spent twenty minutes deciding between two coats. Twenty minutes.

Back in 1990, after living in a small town for fourteen years, my parents made the choice to move so Dad could have a better job. It was a tough choice for him. I didn't like it because even though I was out on my own (and at the time looking for new work) I didn't want home to disappear.

Now I'm the one moving. I've lived in Oskaloosa since 1990 and because of work, I'm forced to move. This last week I was forced into changes where I couldn't dictate the terms or have a reasonable amount of time to make a decision where I was comfortable afterward.

The results are that I was forced to accept a position with the same company in another location. Now before anybody starts warning me about trashing the workplace online, let me say that I am so grateful to the people who helped me out this last week. The new position was there from the beginning, the new supervisor took me sight unseen, and I'm thankful to have employment. I will make the best of this situation.

I wanted to go down another path, though. That's all I'm saying.

Change is tough. It's hard and I don't like not being in control. I understand things happen and that change will come, but usually I can roll with the flow. This time I was knocked asunder. I was sick, I cried, and felt like throwing up a lot. Everything came so fast I couldn't process.

And Wednesday, just to add more crap to the mixture, I'm driving to follow up on an application and the left rear tire comes off the car. I mean completely off the car. I start swerving and managed to get the car off onto the shoulder. When I stop, there's my tire rolling off into the opposite ditch. Luck was with me that I hadn't been driving faster or I would have rolled the car. Luck was with me again that there wasn't more damage than lugbolt and brake pad replacement.

So, yesterday, it ended. I accepted the new position and within a week, I'll be in a new location. Yesterday and last night I managed to catch up a bit on sleep. Today, and tomorrow, I start the next phase of trying to find a place to live and tying up loose ends, closing accounts, packing, etc.

I'm not looking forward to this either. I've spoken about my current abode in other posts but in the end, I'm comfortable here. The place is a mess, my apartment is dirty (I dread to think of Mom's reaction when we start moving out stuff. Egad!), and the cat is happy. I hope he tolerates the transition better than I will.

Even today, I still feel a little wobbly and I apologize if this post seems to stray or maybe even doesn't seem to have a point. Maybe I don't know what the point is.

I'm still a bit overwhelmed and lost.

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Comment by Patricia Blumhagen on May 26, 2013 at 5:07pm

Stephen, I would like to share with you some insights that came to me while reading your post. I wonder, if your situation is learned behavior of the past? I know how difficult it can be to relocate.As a child my family moved many times and I had to change schools. Later, in life, I moved again many times. I had to learn that, I was worth more than I was creating for myself. No need to apologize for your feelings, they are the gifts to find freedom. It might be helpful, to see where in the body they are housed. Maybe, you might want to consider, why you are creating this reality? A more positive approach for your new move would be to change the attitude. What if this place would have no need for you to move on?  Or, what if you find yourself here and enjoying the experience of staying and contributing your talents?  Maybe, you might try, projecting a higher thought process that, this experience will be enjoyable for you and you will have a positive outcome.  I tried to follow my heart and get out of my head when I need to make any decisions. I have learned, whenever, I go within myself and listen to my own inner knowing, that is my truth and the decision becomes clear.

I felt your point! A place where you can develop and grow into your wonder. I am wishing for you that this place will be where you feel accepted and can share your gifts. I feel we are here to learn and grow and our experiences are out teachers to become whole. More, change is part of life, this is the  Nature's unfolding lessons in the seasons. Nothing is forever! Sometimes, change takes place because we need to grow spiritually, and we are denying our potential or fearful of expressing it. G*** luck in your new home!

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Comment by Stephen Lawrence Brayton on May 27, 2013 at 1:51am

Thanks for your words. Yes, as I've written before, it all comes down to attitude. It was just such a shocker that everything moved so quickly. I didn't have time to process before decisions had to be made. And even here, a week later, I'm making decisions, not because I have a choice or choices, but because it is what it has to be. But my attitude is that I'm not going to be here on a permanent basis. I will not live in a camper into the fall. I will become more aggressive in my job searches and find something that I WANT to do, not what i have to do at the moment.

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