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Over a rainy weekend I secured a temporary place to live and this week, have started packing. Today I filled an entire dumpster with stuff I've accumulated over twenty years but haven't seen in years or haven't used. Some stuff I thought were important had lost their sentimentality.
Still, however, I feel a twinge of regret for tossing some stuff. Or donating to Goodwill. I walked away from leaving boxes of stuff I've bought and collected throughout the decades and had two thoughts. One, that I wasn't ever going to use the items again because technology changed. The second thought was that I had left a good chunk of my life and enjoyment in a bin.
Acceptance. Sometimes it's a difficult thing with which to come to terms. I've had to accept a position that was a last resort. I could've gone elsewhere but didn't feel comfortable with the offer. I've had to accept the current living arrangement. I could've chosen another location, but again, even though I'm farther from work, I feel more comfortable. I've had to accept that I'm not going to be living in my apartment as of tonight. I've had to accept that I needed to give up a lot of items to make moving more feasible.
This goes back to what I discussed last week. I've accepted matters because to do otherwise would put me in a worse position. I still feel a loss of control. Again, I'm not complaining about the people involved. I am so grateful to friends and family who have supported me throughout this. I've had a friend who cared for my cat while I was gone. I have family who are giving of their time and possessions to help me. I'm just feeling bad because I don't want any of this. I so want something completely different.
So, most everybody I've told have wished me luck and told me to watch out for the opportunities that may be awaiting. I smile and accept their words but I still fear the future. Now let me discuss fear for a moment. I've faced tough situations before. I've battled through some scary moments. I've survived some incidents where I could have been emotionally destroyed. Before the actual moment arrives I have a nasty habit of creating scenarios. What might happen. What might be said or done. I wish I had better control but my mind works in weird ways.
Anyway, when the moment comes and whatever is going to happen happens, the result is never like any of the scenarios I imagined. Sometimes-most times-the result, although possibly disappointing, is never as bad as I thought.
Fear. I've seen it as an acronym. False Evidence Against Reality.
So, I'm anxious about what's coming. I'll make the best of everything. Thomas the cat and I will comfort each other in an unfamiliar locale. I'll adapt to not having a store/gas station/restaurant within walking distance. I'll tolerate a miniscule shower.
I still worry and regret and it will take time for the words from those who are cheering me on to sink in.
I just need time.