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Super-Cross, the Invincible Conservative
A short sci-fi comedy story by Chuck Keyes
Unbeknown to Detective Durgin Cross, an unidentified object is hovering over his ranch house. He woke up, hearing his little dog barking, which is unusual for Jasper to be so riled up.
"Jasper, is there something outside?"
The little shaggy brown-haired Chihuahua and Shih-Tzu mix continued to bark vigorously.
Durgin rolled out of bed, quickly dressed, and grabbed his forty-five Smith & Wesson off the bedside table.
"What is it, Jasper, do you smell a pack of mangy coyotes out there?"
Durgin stepped out into the hallway and headed for the front door. Jasper ceased his barking, jumped off the bed, scurried along his master's path, and briskly wagged his tail when he caught up to Durgin in the front parlor.
Detective Cross looked up at his big wall mounted mahogany clock hanging over his mahogany fireplace mantel. "Damn, Jasper, we've only been sleeping for less than an hour!"
"No, little buddy, I'm not letting you outside if there's coyotes prowling around. They'll tear you up into little doggy tidbit coyote treats. Durgin switched on the outside lights and gazed out the door's etched glass window for a long moment. "I don't see anything. Were you having a doggy nightmare? I bet you were dreaming about being chased by twenty ferocious housecats." Durgin chuckled as he picked Jasper up and swiveled around on his bare heel to head back to bed. After taking a few steps, a bright blue light engulfed him.
The alarm clock radio blasted on to the song 'I've Got You Babe', and Durgin slammed his fist down on the snooze button bar, crushing the entire clock radio into bits and pieces. Upon remembering the strange bright blue light, the detective quickly sat up to see Jasper curiously inspecting the smashed clock radio. "Jasper, did I do that? Cheap Chinese manufactured electronics! Now I'm going to have to buy a new clock alarm radio! What happened to us last night, and why am I bare ass naked? The last thing I remembered is walking back to the bedroom to go to bed." He reached over to pat Jasper on his head. "Where's your new silver spiked Bull dog collar I bought you last week?" Durgin searched the bed and the only thing he found is his Roku remote. "Your collar and my clothes are missing!"
He leaned over the edge of the king-size bed to search for his clothes, and to his surprise, there's an oversized silver briefcase sitting on the floor, up against the bed. "Jasper, what the hell is this?" He jumped out of bed, knelt down, and examined the strange briefcase locks. They each resemble an electronic finger scanner. He placed both of his index fingers on the scanners and the locks automatically popped open. The detective slowly opened the briefcase. "Wow! Jasper, check this out." He reached into the briefcase, grabbed a strange looking gun, and closely examined it. "Hey, little buddy, I don't see any place to load the bullets into this futuristic Buck Roger's gun." He started to rummage through the briefcase for bullets. "Holy bonanza, here's a new collar for you."
Jasper moved closer to the edge of the bed so Durgin can clip-on his new silver collar. "There you go, little buddy, is it comfortable?"
"Yeah, Durgin, it fits perfectly," said the little dog.
Durgin's mouth fell open as if someone hooked the Titanic's anchor onto his lower jaw. His blue eyes bulged, his brain feels like its trembling, and he wants to speak, but his voice box has failed.
"Durgin, your new Buck Roger's gun doesn't require any bullets," voiced Jasper. "It fires a special laser beam designed to dissolve the bodies of controlled humans who have been merged by evil aliens."
"Jasper, how the hell can you be talking. Your just a dumb dog."
"I've altered to be super intelligent."
"But you don't have a voice box."
"I must have a voice box if I'm talking to you, and now that I can talk there will be no more beer drinking before going to bed."
"I'm a dog! I have a powerful nose for smelling, and your beer farts are repulsive!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, but I've always thought dogs enjoy rude smells. That's why I always pull the sheet up over your head before I let the invisible beer monster out."
"No more for this little dog!"
Durgin stared over at his wife's picture, remembering when he bought Jasper for her on her twenty-fifth birthday, about eight months before she was killed in the line duty. Jasper was a puppy than, not much bigger than a rat. Sandy loved him so much that she hired a young Mexican woman to check up on Jasper twice a day while we were working."
Jasper noticed Durgin eyeing Sandy's picture. "Yeah, I miss Sandy too. That's why I'm overly joyful that we've been assigned an important case that may lead us to her killer."
"Jasper, what the hell are talking about?"
"Sandy's investigation into illegal dealings among high level democratic officials was stepping on alien toes. I believe that's why they killed her. On the day she was murdered, Sandy had a nine AM appointment with Congresswoman Betty Obeany, but her office claims Sandy never showed up for the meeting."
"Are you saying illegal aliens killed my Sandy?"
"No, I'm not referring to illegal Mexicans, I'm talking about aliens from another planet who for the past few years have been merging with government officials to eventually take control."
"Are you serious? These aliens merge with people like in the movie 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'?"
"Similar, but instead of using pods they merge and blend their own alien body directly into the person, thus retaining only their victims outer shell and all their knowledge. Within your briefcase, you'll find a gadget that looks like a pair of eye goggles, and they'll allow you to see the aliens. When a person has been taken over by an alien, there's no coming back. They're now more alien then they are human."
"How high do these government officials go?" asked Durgin.
"Possibly as high the president," replied Jasper.
"What do you mean this is our assigned case? Who gave us this assignment?"
"We're superhero partners, although I'm the one with the super intelligence."
"Yeah right. I'm not going to take orders from my pet dog."
"Hey, in the past I've never complained about taking orders from you. You tell me when to go outside to do my bathroom business, when to eat, when to go to bed. Half the time you forget fill my damn water bowl, and by the time I get your attention to refill it, I'm near dying of thirst."
"Oh, I'm sorry, but we've been good friends for a long time, and I'm the guy who feeds you people food instead of disgusting dog food."
"Yeah, I do love people food, especially hamburgers and hotdogs."
"Damn, am I crazy? I'm standing here naked talking to my dog! How can this strange s*** be possible?"
"Last night we were abducted and altered by a friendly alien race that wants to help us to defeat the invading alien race that call themselves trivicks," explained Jasper.
"Yeah, right! It all happened during the blue light sales abduction! I'm off to the bathroom to get ready for my day off. I'm planning to dress up and go shopping at the mall so I can check out the attractive women."
Durgin put on his favorite light blue shirt, dark blue tie, and gray suit. He found Jasper in his home office dancing his two front paws on his computer's keyboard while reading information on the monitor. "Hey, you're worse than a rug rat! What the hell are you doing in here using my new Hewlett-Packard?"
"I've been reading news articles. I'm trying to figure out whose being controlled by the trivick aliens. The evil trivicks society is governed by an insect rule, similar to communism; therefore, I believe they would preferably merge with democratic officials, thus turning them into far-left extremists."
"Wow! That would explain our current chaos. I don't understand how you know all this stuff. Your doggy brain is too small for you to be this intelligent."
"During our good alien abduction my doggy brain was enhanced with super intelligent nanos containing and a great deal of helpful data we'll need for our covert investigation and elimination of the infiltrated trivicks."
"How are we supposed to eliminate these trivick controlled democratic humans?"
"You're going to eliminate them."
"I can't walk up to government officials and murder them."
"They're no longer real people. There are many hundreds of trivick aliens infiltrating high ranking government positions for controlling your American society. They've been slowly taking away your freedoms. They'll turn everyone into slaves, and everything the human race owns and manufactures will belong to the evil trivicks! The good aliens believe there may be friendly ties between the alien trivicks and al-Qaeda. They killed Sandy because she was close to discovering their existence. She was the love of your life! Your laser gun is designed to eradicate the trivicks along with their entire physical bodies."
"That's good. No body, no proof a murder has been committed." Durgin deeply sighed. "Yes, Sandy was the love of my life, and I miss her, but we're just one man and a little dog, so how are we going to stop their alien invasion through the means of merging with people?"
"We're super heroes!" shouted Jasper. "We have the power and the tools to save your human race from being ruled by the communistic leftist trivicks."
Durgin chuckled. "I don't feel like a superhero."
"You will," snapped Jasper. "How come you're not wearing your superhero outfit?"
"What superhero outfit?"
"There are seven identical superhero outfits hanging up in your walk-in closet. I personally designed our superhero emblem."
"I must've not seen them. Wait here and I'll go look."
"Bring back my super doggy outfit."
"You have one too?"
"Of course I do. We're superhero partners!"
Durgin returned to his home office wearing a black skin tight body outfit made out of an unknown material. Situated in the middle of his chest is a large emblem of a gold detective's shield with a silver cross centered on the shield. The outfit also includes black boots, black gloves, a black hooded mask, and a black utility belt designed to carry his superhero gadgets and his Buck Roger's laser gun.
"Do you like your superhero outfit," asked Jasper?
"Yeah, I love it. I know the silver cross on my gold shield represents my name, but I'm afraid people are going to think I'm a super priest."
Who cares what people think as long as you accomplish your job!" barked Jasper.
Durgin slid Jasper's black superhero doggy designed shirt over his head and placed each of his front paws through the proper holes. The emblem entered on Jasper's back is the same gold detective shield with a silver cross that's centered on Durgin's chest."
"How do I look?" excitedly asked Jasper.
"You look fantastic; however, because our emblems are identical, don't expect me to call you mini-me."
"Just call me what you always call me."
The detective giggled. "I generally call you Jasper, little buddy, or little half-s***, which doesn't mean you're half Shih-Tzu."
"That's about as funny as day old road kill," sputtered Jasper.
Durgin pointed at the computer monitor. "That's Congresswoman Betty Obeany."
"Yeah, and we need pay her a visit."
"Do you think she's a trivick?"
"It's a good possibility. She's a far-left extremist who believes in a huge controlling government, and her purposed ideas go against your United States Constitution, which was set forth by your great forefathers. Many humans throughout history have given their lives to uphold your freedoms based within the Constitution."
"Hey, now that I'm a superhero, what am I supposed to do about my job as a Dallas homicide detective?"
"Like Superman as being Clark Kent, you'll still keep your detective job. Today's your day off, so we have all day and tonight to do superhero stuff."
"With two fulltime jobs I'm not going to have much time for sleeping," whined Durgin.
Jasper laughed along with his tail whipping about. "We're super heroes. Our bodies have been altered so we no longer require any sleep."
"Yup," the little dog replied along with a sharp nod of his head. "No more wasting your time by sleeping away a third of your life."
"What other altering surprises have the good aliens done to my body?" asked Durgin.
"I don't want to overwhelm your male human brain," responded Jasper. "You'll have to learn about them as you go. Congresswoman Betty Obeany will be in her Dallas office today preparing for her big push to support a major increase in your taxes, which will pay for their bad investments, such as the five hundred and twenty-eight million dollars lost on the California-based Solyndra loan. Damn, I'm a dog, and I wouldn't have loaned this risky green company my water bowl! Betty Obeany's office is on the twenty-third floor of the Morgan Finberg building. I think it would be best that we land on the roof and work our way down."
"How the hell are we going to land on the roof?" asked the detective along with a snide chuckle. "Are wings going to magically sprout out of my back?"
"Please pick me up and carry me out to Sandy's horse barn."
Durgin did as he was told. "I haven't been in here since I gave Sandy's horses to her father," he said as he unlocked the side door. He opened the door to see the interior of the barn remodeled into a superhero's lab and office. Off to the right is a large computer station with six giant monitors mounted on the wall. On the left is a fully equipped forensic lab. Beyond the lab is a strange looking alien vehicle about the size of a large van."
"Holy bonanza, this is way beyond awesome! The good friendly aliens remodeled Sandy's barn into the Batman cave. What the hell type of vehicle is this?"
"It's an amazing all terrain alien vehicle," replied Jasper. "It'll travel on land, in the water, on top of the water, and it flies. You'll need this alien vehicle to help you eliminate the far leftist trivick controlled humans. So what do you think of our Cross headquarters?"
"It's beyond fantastic, little buddy. I only see one little problem."
"Who's going to fly that alien vehicle? I'm not a pilot."
"You are now," muttered Jasper. "Operating the vehicle has been preprogrammed into your human brain. When you sit down in the pilot's seat, the operating program will pop up in your brain like double clicking on a computer operating system icon. That's the same for operating everything else in our Super-Cross head quarters."
"That's doggone amazing."
"No, I'm not gone. I'm still here," said Jasper. "Come on, Durgin, sit in the pilot's seat. We need to go.
"Okay, but I don't see a door handle on this door."
"The door is voice activated by your voice only."
"Try saying open!" Jasper gruffed.
Like the doors on a DeLorean, they opened upward like gull wings. Durgin sat Jasper down on the passenger seat, and then he sat down on the pilot's seat. "Close." The doors closed, sealing them within the alien designed vehicle. "Yes, I now know how to operate this Buck Roger's vehicle!"
"It’s called a Super-Cross vehicle," announced Jasper. "Safety first and you need to buckle my doggy harness seatbelt!"
After ten minutes of struggling to figure out how the doggy harness works, the little dog is finally buckled in. "Damn, maybe it'll be easier if you ride in the glove compartment."
"I'm not going to ride in the damn glove compartment!" snapped Jasper.
"Settle down…I was joking."
Durgin powered up the cold fusion electric engine, and then he pressed a button on the control panel. The barn doors automatically slid open. The Cross vehicle sped out of the barn and by the time it reached the end of Durgin's quarter mile driveway, short stubby wings extended outward and like a giant bird, the Cross vehicle lifted off into the clear blue sky.
"This is remarkable, little buddy. I'm piloting this alien vehicle as if I've been doing it all my life." He banked the vehicle right, on a heading toward Dallas, Texas.
Within a half hour, the Cross superhero partners stepped out onto the roof of the Morgan Finberg building. Jasper closely followed Durgin around a steel building housing the elevator motors.
"Stop," Jasper cried out. "I can hear someone coming."
Two armed security guards rounded the corner of the building and quickly withdrew their guns from their holsters. "Raise your hands," shouted one of the guards.
"Okay," responded Durgin.
"Why are you on the roof and what's the deal with the superhero costume?"
"This is my preferred costume to wear when I'm doing superhero stuff," replied Durgin.
The other security guard chuckled. "Hey, Dave, check out his cross. He must be the super Pope."
"Yeah, but shouldn't he be wearing the Pope's silly hat."
"Maybe he forgot it."
Jasper walked up to within a few feet the guards and made a barking sound.
"Hey, super clown, you need to call your little dog before I kick it off the roof."
"Jasper, you better back away."
Jasper again barked at the two guards.
"The guard who threatened to kick Jasper off the roof, raised his foot, and swung it forward. Jasper grabbed the guard's pant leg and yanked, causing the guard to accidently fire his gun as he flipped over backwards, landing hard onto the roof, flat on his back.
The thirty-eight caliber bullet hit the right side of Durgin's chest, just above his heart, but instead of penetrating into his body, it bounced off.
"Holy bonanza! I'm just like Superman…I'm bulletproof! Jasper, why didn't you tell me?"
"I told you you'll learn your super powers while on the job."
The bewildered and frightened guard bent down to check out his unconscious partner. "Your damn little dog knocked him out cold!"
Durgin stepped toward the guard.
"Stop, or I'll shoot," cried the guard.
"Your bullets can't hurt me because I'm invincible," said Durgin as he reached out quicker than a blink of an eye and disarmed the guard. He threw the guard's gun, and to his surprise, the gun disappeared as it flew beyond the earth's horizon. "Geez, I don't know my own strength. I hope the gun doesn't hit anyone!"
Steve, the perplexed guard backed away. He unclipped a police walkie talkie from his belt, but before he could bring it up to his mouth to call for backup, Jasper jumped up and grabbed the walkie talkie, crushing it useless between his powerful jaws.
Steve the guard stood there examining his damaged walkie talkie. "You and your dog really do have super powers."
"Yes, we're real super heroes," said Durgin, "and I'd like you to handcuff yourself to your unconscious partner."
Steve did as he was told.
Jasper destroyed the unconscious guard's police walkie talkie and gun by crushing them between his jaws as if they were made out of soft balsa wood.
Durgin and Jasper continued toward the roof door that'll lead them down into the building.
"This door is locked," announced Durgin. "We need to enter a security pass code."
"We're super heroes!" cried Jasper. We don't need a pass code. Use your super strength!"
Durgin punched his fists right through the metal door. He took hold of the door, yanked it away from the steel framework, and gently leaned it against the wall. "My super strength is awesome!"
They passed through the doorway and walked down a flight of stairs to the top floor.
"Let's take an elevator down to the twenty-third floor," commanded Jasper. "You better put on your special eye goggles so you'll know which humans have been taken over by the trivicks."
Durgin wrapped his special electronic goggles' strap tightly around his head and Velcro fastened it. Now he looks more like a bug-eyed alien than a superhero. He pressed the button to call for the elevator. After a few moments, the doors slid open to reveal four surprised security guards curiously looking at him.
Durgin jumped into the elevator cab. Within a minute, he disarmed the guards, connected them together, back to back with their own handcuffs, and then he rolled them out of the cab. "Sorry, guys, but my superhero dog and I need to use this elevator."
They traveled down to the twenty-third floor. As they stepped out into a huge lobby with three long hallways running off in three directions, everyone's eyes shot toward the strange superhero partners. One guy chuckled. "Hey buddy, I see your little hairy rat is wearing a matching Halloween costume."
Durgin grabbed hold of the guy, lifted him three feet off the floor, and like bowling, he slid the guy more than forty feet along the length of the hallway. "I'm Super-Cross, and this little dog is my superhero partner. I suggest everyone vacate this floor…now…before you get hurt."
Everyone ran away except for six guards and a brave news crew with a video camera.
"Jasper, there seems to be a lot of guards here."
The guards pulled their weapons and pointed them at Durgin. "You're under arrest. Remove your masked hood and place your hands on top of your head."
Jasper walked out towards the news camera. "We're here to eliminate an extreme leftist threat against your freedoms…everyone's precious freedoms…and your weapons cannot stop us."
Everyone awed and ooed to hear the little dog talk.
"He's a devil dog," screamed a freighted guard. He aimed his thirty-eight at Jasper and fired.
Jasper snapped at the approaching bullet, and he spit the slug out onto the floor.
Durgin approached the guard who fired the gun, yanked his gun out of his hand, rolled it up into a perfectly shaped round ball, and gave it back to him. "You should be ashamed of yourself for shooting at a cute little helpless dog."
The terrified guard ran away along the hallway, screaming like little girl.
The remaining guards repeatedly fired their guns at Durgin. After the guards empted their clips, the superhero detective opened his hand to show them that he caught every bullet. "Are you guys ready to give up?"
Nobody answered him. They just stood there with dumbfounded expressions on their faces.
"Since you men have nothing to say, then please line up facing the wall, and think about how close you all came to having your arms and legs tied into square knots."
They silently lined up against the wall.
"Would someone please point me in the direction of Congresswoman Betty Obeany's office?" asked Jasper.
"Betty isn't in her office," said a female Fox News journalist."
"Where is she?" asked Jasper.
"As usual, she's in her luxurious conference room, having a closed door secret meeting with five democratic congressmen," replied the pretty, blond-haired female reporter. "They're most likely planning ways to steal more of our money and more of our freedoms."
"Yes, they conduct all their corrupt business behind closed doors," voiced Jasper. "That's how Obamacare was forced down every American's throat!"
"Yes, and every one of their secret meetings destroys our American way of life," sputtered the female journalist. "They're destroying our great country from within!"
"Did you hear that, Super-Cross?"
"Yeah, we may have hit the jackpot!" Cross walked over to the female reporter and extended his hand. "What's your name?"
"Donella Paxton." She boldly shook his hand.
"Donella is beautiful name, thus rightly matching your unique beauty."
She smiled along with happy twinkles in her deep green eyes.
"I'm Super-Cross. I'm invincible, extremely handsome, single, in my late twenties, and I enjoy late evening meals in front of my enchanted rock-faced fireplace."
"What the hell, Super-Cross," barked Jasper. "This isn't the dating game! We have superhero work to do."
"Oh, yeah. Donella, if you'll be kind enough to show me the way to Congresswoman Betty Obeany's conference room door, I'll allow you to be my exclusive Super-Cross correspondent."
"Oh yes…Okay, follow me."
Cross and Jasper followed Donella and her cameraman along the hallway to the right. She stopped in front of a large double door made out of solid oak.
Super-Cross withdrew his Buck Roger's laser gun out of his black holster. "Donella, please stand back while I use my superhero strength to kick open these hardwood doors. I wouldn't want you to be hurt from flying wood splinters."
Donella and her cameraman stepped back out of the way.
Cross kicked the doors open and ran into the conference room. Through his special goggles, he can see six ugly trivick aliens sitting around a large oak conference table. The aliens like red-haired gorillas with human size cockroach heads. He fired his laser gun, and each democratic government official reverted to his or her ugly trivick form before fading away into nonexistence.
"Stew, please tell me that you've capture everything on video?" Donella excitedly asked.
"Yes," replied her Fox News cameraman."
"That's flipping fantastic," Donella joyfully cried. I'm going to have a Pulitzer wining news article, she thought, and a real superhero lover that'll pleasure me for hours instead of a few minutes. She stealthy unbuttoned a few more top buttons on her blouse, thus allowing for an improved view of her deep valley of the kings, and then she turned her attention toward the superhero detective. "Super-Cross, what were those horrible creatures?"
"They are the true evil behind our far-left extremist government. Their trivick aliens who have merged with our democratic leaders. Today, we've eliminated seven of these monsters, which is a damn good start, and killing off the trivick aliens is a hell of a lot easier than trying to vote them out of office."
"This explains the terrible mess our country is in," excitedly voiced Donella. "Now we can show these democratic far-left alien monsters to the American people, thus waking them up to once again fill their hearts with the same American pride our great forefathers felt."
"God bless America and everything wonderful she stands for," said Super-Cross.
"Super-Cross, do you think this trivick infiltration goes all the way to the top?" asked Donella.
"Yes we do," chimed Jasper, "and after we've eliminated all the trivicks, your America will once again be the greatest country in the world. They'll be jobs for everyone, and everyone will be able to choose their own healthcare insurance program."
Cross walked over to the conference table and wrote down his telephone number on a small notepad. He tore the sheet off the pad and returned to the female reporter's side. "Donella, being new at being an invincible superhero, I haven't had time to print up some decorative superhero business cards, so I wrote down my cell phone number."
She accepted his note, folded it up, and slid it down into her bra between her majestic mountains. "I'm going to keep your number warm, right here next to my heart", and I'll be dreaming about our naked late night evening meal in front of your enchanted rock-faced fireplace."
"Holy bonanza! I love being an invincible superhero," shouted Super-Cross.
"Okay, Cross, don't let it go to your little head," sputtered Jasper.
"Jasper," said Donella, "I bet you'd love to meet my adorable white-haired Chihuahua. Her name is Eve."
"And my new doggy name is Adam," voiced Jasper while his tail vigorously danced.
© December 2011