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Got up this morning and did the first thing I’ve done every day since the computer age began. I checked my email. Not much there from family or friends that needed a reply. There was a whole lot more in my Spam File, which I generally manage with the old point, click and delete technique.


Most days, and this one no different from others, I find myself somewhat offended that total strangers are able to contact me without an invitation on my part. It’s an invasion of my privacy, unsolicited and most likely fraudulent, not to mention incredibly annoying, yet it seems we are powerless to prevent it. I don’t much like feeling powerless.


So in a rather bilious mood and having nothing better to do, I decided to respond to each and every one of them while sipping that first cup of Java and waiting for the morning brain fog to lift.  


Thought I’d share a few of my replies in hopes that you may identify and get a chuckle or two.



  1. To the very sexy Russian woman who wants to meet me so badly.



Dear Very Sexy Russian Lady;


While I’m flattered at your blatant offer of sex for citizenship, it’s not something I can make happen for you, for a couple of reasons. The first being I’m already married and even if that was not the case, possible union with you, Slavic Beauty, is quite impossible. Same sex marriage is still illegal in the majority of states in the US of A. While I don’t necessarily agree with that concept, I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.


Perhaps you’d be more successful in your quest if you tried checking out the obit pages for recent, elderly widowers with large bank accounts and advanced states of dementia. Happy hunting GF!



  1. To the Company convinced they can both re-energize and enlarge my penis.


Dear Dick;


I am in receipt of yet another offer from you, graciously extending (sorry, bad pun)  the opportunity to enlarge and re-energize the penis I unfortunately (for you) do not have or even want.


Perhaps your marketing department should consider gender appropriateness before sending out these mass mailings? Would make a whole lot of sense to me and get a whole lot more responses for you. Just saying.



3.  To all those generous, offshore millionaires.


Dear Mrs. Po Tang from Taiwan;


So happy to hear about your enormous, windfall inheritance. Miracle of miracles, out of the 14 billion people on the planet you chose ME to share it with? Imagine that. What a nice lady you are. Not quite sure why you want to do this, but feel free to send that check anytime, Po. (address not included)




  1. To Joe Blow and 165 other people who are busily searching for me on various social networks.


 Dear Joe, et al.


Not trying to be evasive here, but don’t quite understand your quandary. While I’m a little curious as to why all these people are they looking for me so diligently, frankly I’m not sure I understand the problem both you and they are having. I’m pretty easy to find. Case in point, since you already have my e-mail address, doesn’t that mean you/they have already found me? I don’t get it.



  1. To XYZ Company who insist they can blast away my belly fat.


Dear Fat Blasters


Now this sounds frankly painful to me, not to mention noisy. The neighbors would certainly raise some understandable objections to all those explosive devices going off next door. And how did you know about my muffin top anyway? Am I on Skype and don’t know it? What a chilling thought that is. Note to self. Wear better underwear next time you think you’re alone in front of the computer.



  1. To all those Cougars looking for dates.


Dear Pumas;


Cougar dating? Thanks for thinking of me, but I think I’ll stick to men, at least for the time being. While my track record is not so good with them either, at least when they rip you a new one during an argument, it’s with words, not fangs and claws. Besides, those cross-species relationships never seem to work out well anyway. Have to tell you, if this is the way you’re planning regeneration, it’s no wonder you’re going extinct.



  1. To the Engagement Ring Folks.


Dear Ring Wraiths;


Bet people are lining up for this one. Personally, I don’t know why I’ve waited this long to buy some fake bling on-line, propose to and marry myself.  How cool is that? Major wrong choice of recipient, guys, but hey…can’t fault you for trying! You’ve obviously heard the saying “Nothing ventured…”



  1. To Mrs. Jessica Wilfred, a person I’ve never met in my entire life.


Dear Jess!


Long time no see, (as in never). About this unfinished transaction you say we have between us. Silly goose that I am, the details escape me at the moment, but since you prefaced your note with an inquiry about my health, let me tell you ALL about it.

Shall we do this by bodily system alphabetically? Have you got eight or ten hours? At this point in life I have more ailments than cash. Oh, too busy? Thought you might be.



  1. To all the folks so fascinated by my intestinal health.


Dear Toxic People;


The statistics you quoted me are truly alarming. Toxic Belly Bugs infest 9 out of 10 people? Damn!  If those numbers you are quoting are accurate, there’s a ninety percent chance I’m one of them. EW. Maybe you guys should consider a merger with the Fat Blaster guys and find a way to napalm my entire colon. That’ll fix the noxious little buggers and take care of that pesky midriff bulge at one fell swoop. No sense in doing things half assed, so to speak. I’m sure you’d agree. I can hook you up with them if you’d like, for a small finders fee, of course.



9. To E-Harmony and Kaplan University.


Dear Dreamers;


I’ve combined the two of you in this response since taking time to address each of you personally would be a total waste of time and typing. say you can find me a soul-mate at this point in my life? Why would I want one and who are you kidding? Harmony and marriage makes about as much sense as Jumbo Shrimp.


Kaplan? Starting another degree on the never-never plan? I’d probably croak before my sophomore year. Not that I could retain any kind of new knowledge anyway. Most days, I can’t even remember where I left my keys.



10. To the Final Funeral Expense People.


Dear Grave Diggers;


Your cheery sentiments sure did put a rainbow in my day!  Finally, someone has the smarts to contact their target audience. Kudos to you on some appropriate marketing skills. You’ve deduced, quite accurately that I’m on the downward slide, but if you think that I want to relieve my family of the burden of my final expenses, think again. Fat chance of that ever happening. No one is going to live on Easy Street while I’m pushing up the daisies. Do us both the final favor and kindly just piss off.



All silliness aside. You get the drift. If we have to live in an overly intrusive, internet based world, at the very least, we should be able to have some fun with it. If we all conspire to spam the spammers on a regular basis, theirs will be the inboxes cluttered with junk, not ours. Don’t forget, we outnumber them and sometimes stupid questions deserve, no, make that demand,  even more idiotic answers. This has been an inane, but amusing exercise. Try it sometime.


Nolah Reed

May 31, 2013


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