Authors, Writers, Publishers, and Book Readers
SHADOW OF A NIGHT
by Kenny Thurman
Within these heavy walls, lie her vessel sitting still,
Reflected by the candle-light, her moan’s stricken shrill,
Underneath this quilt she hides, away from all her fears,
As the rumbling wind in the sky, slowly travels near.
Darkness quickly surrounds her, for all that’s left is smoke,
Loud tapping on the roof, leaves her stomach in a choke,
For a second light flashes, through all her windows again,
And the roar of a monster - now driving her insane.
Like long grass her hair is swaying, sweeping at her face,
Poking at the ground, to the room that she is encased,
With bloodshot eyes, she’s shaking, grasping at the covers,
Uncomforted by the cold; the darkness which hovers.
Her moans become more quiet; her cries are slowly lost,
As the beat of her heart lessens, taken by exhaust,
Her eyes begin to flutter, and slowly they stay shut,
As she lies on the floorboards, to her bed, she’s abut.
The loudest crackle sings, as her room is lit up bright,
As she’s taken from disarray, deep into the night.
Good poem. Seems a little sad. The first line of the second stanza is a little confusing. After writing that darkness quickly surrounds her, you said "for all that's left is smoke." I'm not sure that second sentence belongs in that line. Also the 4th stanza, last line "she's abut," is that a slang for something? Good but sad poem.
I've read your poem and feel it need some clarification. I looked at your illustration and it hints at what the poem is about. But you never nail that fact in place.
Sometimes it is interesting and best to say things as simply as possible. Now looking closely at the structure I feel say the first four lines ought to be turned into eight lines. Do that all the way through and then check out the new look. I think you'll then be able to focus more on whom the poem is concerned with. Ask yourself what is the conflict #1, #2 or even #3 and place them in you poem. Too much description with out a reason spoils the effect you wan to create.
Best wishes and good luck.
Thank you for the response guys(: It means alot! I suppose i just am an abstract writer. I like people to think about things for a while. I think it causes a certain effect that leaves their mind going in circles for a little bit. And when i said, "Darkness quickly surrounds her, for all that’s left is smoke", i was hoping that people would put it together with the second line in the first stanza. When i said there was candle light. Practically what i was trying to say is that the candle went out, and all that was left was smoke. It's definitely a 'thinker' for sure.
William Shakespeare said
"Nothing is good or bad."
What makes it good or bad is how we think about it.
So spare a thought for poetry when more can be said
in a compressed way then in many lines of text. But like a
thousand other things clear and concise wins the day.
(Darkness and a candle: Detective work : if the candle
went out where did the light come from to see the smoke?
Had to be a second candle, maybe you didn't mention it).
2011 poem award www.CELJ.org