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The Line Has Been Drawn

I measure the depth, the love and along with it, the pain.
I hardly have anything to lose in love, yet I lose it like a beginner,
I see in vain, how everything slips through the gaps of my finger.
The more I try to cling on to those pieces, broken and torn
Halt! says a voice, the line has been drawn.

Stumbling along life's ups and downs, I am now at the edge;
Locked pains, buried tears...my heart, a key-less cage.
I look past your heart - to an older feel, to an earlier you,
Of loveless eyes, bitter words, of changes very few.
Yet something inside me craves for the words that are gone
Don't move any further, says he, the line has been drawn.

The need was mine, to be with you, to stand up for you;
Now, the need's over, and it's only me without you.
Your love's gone, a love that was never meant to be,
I stand a lonely self, a tired me...myself with me.
My heart still aches inside, every moment my love re-born
But I am a no one, reminds he, the line has been drawn.

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Replies to This Discussion

Great poem. I would suggest to read it out loud, the flow is up and down. A lot of feeling...Last segment, third line, I would write out the words, Your love is gone, gives it more power. Next sentence down I would take out (with me). Again great poem...

Thanks a lot Robert :)

Yeah true, "Love is gone" adds more power...will change that part :) 

The next one...well, I had actually wanted to stress my loneliness when I said 'Myslef with me'...it was sort of intended to show the absence of anyone else between me and myself...in that case, what would you suggest?

 

Thanks again for all your valuable suggestions :)

Robert L. Allen said:

Great poem. I would suggest to read it out loud, the flow is up and down. A lot of feeling...Last segment, third line, I would write out the words, Your love is gone, gives it more power. Next sentence down I would take out (with me). Again great poem...

 

There is so much power in that sentence (I stand a lonely self, a tired me...myself with me.)  A tired me empacks the sentence so deeply...I wonder if you said I stand, a lonely self, a tired me...myself , me. (And perhaps don't use a period.)  It allows the sentence to flow into the next...Again great poem, a lot of feeling...

 

The need was mine, to be with you, to stand up for you;
Now, the need's over, and it's only me without you.
Your love's gone, a love that was never meant to be,
I stand a lonely self, a tired me...myself with me.
My heart still aches inside, every moment my love re-born
But I am a no one, reminds he, the line has been drawn.


Pritha Chattopadhyay said:

Thanks a lot Robert :)

Yeah true, "Love is gone" adds more power...will change that part :) 

The next one...well, I had actually wanted to stress my loneliness when I said 'Myslef with me'...it was sort of intended to show the absence of anyone else between me and myself...in that case, what would you suggest?

 

Thanks again for all your valuable suggestions :)

Robert L. Allen said:

Great poem. I would suggest to read it out loud, the flow is up and down. A lot of feeling...Last segment, third line, I would write out the words, Your love is gone, gives it more power. Next sentence down I would take out (with me). Again great poem...

love the metaphor of time from the point of view of drowning inside the hourglass. The second stanza was very powerful to me...the balance of expectations vs. Reality and the price we pay in between. Thank you for a glimpse.
Thank u lots :)

Michael C Bliss said:
love the metaphor of time from the point of view of drowning inside the hourglass. The second stanza was very powerful to me...the balance of expectations vs. Reality and the price we pay in between. Thank you for a glimpse.

Wow, really like this, last part defiantly hits home strong. I think poems that are emotional and people can relate to are some of the best. Look forward to reading more.

Thank you so much Jonathon!

Jonathon Koerner said:

Wow, really like this, last part defiantly hits home strong. I think poems that are emotional and people can relate to are some of the best. Look forward to reading more.

Nice poem.  Seems like you are mourning a lost love.  I enjoyed reading it.  Some history pulls one back; it's like an endless struggle (perhaps it's designed that way because someone wishes us to be lost forever).  I liked the first line (quite catchy).  However, I did not like the last line very much; that is, the words before "the line has been drawn."

Thanks a lot for your valuable comments Birgitta...

I would like you to elaborate more on the last line...how could it have sounded better do you think?



Birgitta Abimbola Heikka said:

Nice poem.  Seems like you are mourning a lost love.  I enjoyed reading it.  Some history pulls one back; it's like an endless struggle (perhaps it's designed that way because someone wishes us to be lost forever).  I liked the first line (quite catchy).  However, I did not like the last line very much; that is, the words before "the line has been drawn."

Hi Pritha, it's been a while when I reviewed this poem.  I read it over again this time and I guess perception changes with time.  Don't know what I was thinking then but the last line flows with the rest of the poem.  It's a good poem and I enjoyed it better--reading it this second time around.  Good luck.

Thanks so much :)

Birgitta Abimbola Heikka said:

Hi Pritha, it's been a while when I reviewed this poem.  I read it over again this time and I guess perception changes with time.  Don't know what I was thinking then but the last line flows with the rest of the poem.  It's a good poem and I enjoyed it better--reading it this second time around.  Good luck.

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