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I recently had my first book published with a local publisher but didn't get any feedback It's poetry and short stories. How about some honest criticizm. Here is one of the poems. Sorry it's so long.

    A Moment In Her Memory 

 Good morning I said as I walked in her room

and a big smile lit up on her face

You see a visitor's welcome in her little world

 it's so often a sad, lonely place

Her warm smile was friendly, but a tad bit confused

 I could see that lost look in her eyes

For she wasn't quite sure if I should be there

 was I someone she should recognize

Nice to meet you, she said as I neared her bed

 and she stuck out her hand to shake mine

Too familiar I thought as I reached out for hers

we've done this over three hundred times

A beautiful women only seventy-four

 whose wrinkles add warmth to her face

But a mental confusion that twist up her mind

is the reason she's here in this place

Her memory is clear for a moment some days

 but too often it goes like the wind

Where it lingers somewhere just out of reach

though she prays it will come back again

Alzheimers is stange and so misunderstood

 so cruel is the game that it plays

When it dangles a memory just out of reach

and taunts you the rest of your days

"Good Morning", He says as he enters the room

"You're looking quite lovely today"

That warm pretty smile again lights up her face

" Why thank you sir" I hear her say

I see that same hopeful look in his eyes

 as he pulls his chair close to her side

She draws back when he tries to peck her on the cheek

 and I feel his heart break as he sighs

He was hoping her memory was clearer today

 and remember the years that they shared

And he prays to his Lord to give it to him

 so that his sweet bride may be spared

He picks up her Bible and softly he reads

 and she gladly lends him her ear

He's hoping today that God's word mends her mind

 like he's hoped every day for a year

As she drifts off to sleep he still stays by her side

 he can't bear to leave her alone

He bends and gives her that peck on her cheek

 and he takes her hand in his own

He closes his eyes and he goes back in time

 to when he wore a younger mans clothes

And the pretty young lady that fancied him so

 would be the young wife that he chose

For fifty-four years every night at the door

 she would greet her husband with a kiss

The plans that they had to grow old together

 should never have ended like this

So few are the times that she knows who he is

 so few of her memories remain

The only comfort he finds in this plague of her mind

 is that she's not in any pain

He sees the confusion is taxing her so

 and wished God would end it today

Then he asks for forgiveness and curses himself

all because he was thinking that way

He wishes time could just stop in it's tracks

 the next time her memory is clear

And if the Lord chose, He could take them both

 as he embraced everything he holds dear

To hold her in his arms and share one more kiss

 would be a fair price for his life

And nothing could mean any more to him

 then to end life together with his wife

A moment of clarity, is that too much too ask

 just one precious moment in time

He just needs to know that she knows who he is

 that he still has a place in her mind

But fate wouldn't have it, at least not today

 for this day had come to an end

And I had to go tell him that he had to leave

 Tomorrow he could see her again

"Do you think more pictures would help her"' he asks

"Or have the grandchildren come by"

"I don't want to lose her, she's all that I have

 is there something else we can try"?

But her memory stayed hidden like a Hare in the briars

 when a hunting coyote is near

For not once today did she know who he was

 and that was the worst of his fears

He often wonders why God plagues the gentle

 He struggles sometimes to believe

Why not the evil ones, unlike his sweet wife

 who wears her heart on her sleeve

As he picked up his jacket and readied to leave

 I saw tears welling up in his eyes

He wanted to show her his love with a kiss

 but instead softly whispered goodbye

She says, "It was so nice to meet you kind sir

 You're welcome back here any time."

He says "I just might take you up on that Ma'am

 but the pleasure has truly been mine."

 

 

 

 

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Replies to This Discussion

A very powerful piece,I have tears in my eyes as well . You're what I would call a writer.
Wow...it's beautiful. Thank you...
Thank you Kieth and Shira, your comments mean a lot. A lot of my writing is very personal and often it's hard for me to see past that. "A Moment in Her Memory" is about my Grandmother's bout with Alzhiemers and the effect it had on my Grandfather.

Dear Daniel,

You've written an extremely sentimental, touching, delicate poem here. I've seen your background to the book of poetry and short stories and know exactly what you feel; every writer or poet requires a little feedback. I enjoy shared poetry. Sadly some readers might enjoy yet fail to say or mention their appreciation. Praising the day, wondering at the beauty of nature , indeed talking about the wonder of words is in the same category. We need to appreciate more. That includes me. So I fail a little but I try a lot.

Now your poem does not look easy to me. How it came together and the final look are proof of your effort. What might I suggest? Take heart at your success. I read it . I hope others do too.  In the long term you might decide to cast an editorial eye over it and capture a distinctive turn of phrase. It's what happens when we are familiar with a piece and want to present it in its best possible form. So there rest a challenge from me to you. But equally a challenge to yourself means what ever you write will be from the heart.

Best wishes

Cleveland

poem award winner; www.celj.org  for 'St George's Day'

I read it; I like it.  Don't apologize for your creations length.

 

D.



Jennifer April Smith said:

I read it; I like it.  Don't apologize for your creations length.

 

D.Thank you,for your comments, I never know when too much is enough. I say what I want to say and then it's done and sometimes it can be rather long.

Thank You Cleveland for your advice and comments, I wii take them to heart. Take care  Daniel Taylor

Cleveland W. Gibson said:

Dear Daniel,

You've written an extremely sentimental, touching, delicate poem here. I've seen your background to the book of poetry and short stories and know exactly what you feel; every writer or poet requires a little feedback. I enjoy shared poetry. Sadly some readers might enjoy yet fail to say or mention their appreciation. Praising the day, wondering at the beauty of nature , indeed talking about the wonder of words is in the same category. We need to appreciate more. That includes me. So I fail a little but I try a lot.

Now your poem does not look easy to me. How it came together and the final look are proof of your effort. What might I suggest? Take heart at your success. I read it . I hope others do too.  In the long term you might decide to cast an editorial eye over it and capture a distinctive turn of phrase. It's what happens when we are familiar with a piece and want to present it in its best possible form. So there rest a challenge from me to you. But equally a challenge to yourself means what ever you write will be from the heart.

Best wishes

Cleveland

poem award winner; www.celj.org  for 'St George's Day'

Thank you for sharing your poem.  It is beautiful and painful all at the same time. I cried all the way through.

I also watched my Grandmother & Grandfather go through all this. My Mom is now in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's or some sort of dementia. At this point we aren't real clear of the diagnoses.

The point being, you struck a chord and held it in your words. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for you kind words. It is painful to watch someone go through it. My Mothers four sisters all had it and now she is really worried she will get the disease also. Your Memory is such a precious gift and such a shame when it starts to go. I wish they would find a cure. Take care.

Rege Schilken said:

I truly enjoyed your poem since my wife and I have had much experience with caring for People afflicted with Alzheimer's both my own father and my wife's mother.

 

I have a brother-in-law who lives in Savannah, Georgia. Both he AND his wife have Alzheimer's. What is sad is that my brother-in-law has gone from a highly intelligent historian, to a man who probably is no longer aware of his surroundings. 

 

Is it just the toss of the dice or what?

 

Regis Schilken


Thank you for your kind words and best of luck with your Mother. My Mother is worried that she will come down with it because her four sisters all had it. Grand parents on both sides also had it. Such a cruel disease when it takes your memory, such a precious gift to lose. Take care

 Daniel Taylor
LeAnn Wendling said:

Thank you for sharing your poem.  It is beautiful and painful all at the same time. I cried all the way through.

I also watched my Grandmother & Grandfather go through all this. My Mom is now in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's or some sort of dementia. At this point we aren't real clear of the diagnoses.

The point being, you struck a chord and held it in your words. Thank you for sharing.



Rege Schilken said:

Hello again. I have a poem to share with you. I wrote it about my very best friend. It is below.

 

My Friend's Dissolving

 

I have a friend who used to be!

He was brilliant talking history,

Politics, or geography.

 

He could argue formidably,

The travails of our democracy;

Yet he loved America fiercely.

 

Today my friend just recognizes me.

But he can’t converse so easily;

His memory’s been stolen, you see.

 

Alzheimers shrunk his brain away.

“There is no cure; might be delayed”—

So his doctors say;

“New meds slow the cortex’s decay.”

 

He cannot recall a single day;

Confuses his own children’s names,

Yet to me he appears much the same.

 

Our times together soon might end;

Yet, forever he’ll remain my friend.

 Terror must invade his mind,

Coping with a world he cannot find.



daniel Taylor said: 

Thank You , Thats a very nice poem and so very true when it comes to Alzheimers. Thanks for sharing .



Rege Schilken said:

Hello again. I have a poem to share with you. I wrote it about my very best friend. It is below.

 

My Friend's Dissolving

 

I have a friend who used to be!

He was brilliant talking history,

Politics, or geography.

 

He could argue formidably,

The travails of our democracy;

Yet he loved America fiercely.

 

Today my friend just recognizes me.

But he can’t converse so easily;

His memory’s been stolen, you see.

 

Alzheimers shrunk his brain away.

“There is no cure; might be delayed”—

So his doctors say;

“New meds slow the cortex’s decay.”

 

He cannot recall a single day;

Confuses his own children’s names,

Yet to me he appears much the same.

 

Our times together soon might end;

Yet, forever he’ll remain my friend.

 Terror must invade his mind,

Coping with a world he cannot find.

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